Staff / Staffing the Mansion / Delicate Situation

Delicate Situation

Working through family challenges

As an agency owner, I frequently place candidates with clients who are dealing with what I call the "3 D's": divorce, drugs, and death. To an adult, these issues are tragic. To a child, these issues are devastating, all-consuming, and life-altering. The employee must be acutely attuned to both the child and parent and know when and how to seek additional support.

Nanny positions tend to compensate very well, and for good reason. The right employee must possess solid life experience and a great background in assisting people (social worker, nurse, foster parent, etc.). The employee needs to be mature enough not to cross a professional boundary and also know how to tactfully handle very personal situations. It's not uncommon for an employer in these situations to attempt to "buy their employee off" after a rough day or week to keep the employee from quitting. It's also not uncommon for an employer to see their employee as a close friend or confidante.

Families dealing with divorce may view the employee as a "go-between" when the parents do not wish to communicate. The employee may be pushed to take a side or even called to testify on behalf of a parent in a custody hearing. Since the employee is generally a major part of the children's lives, it is of utmost importance that the employee remain neutral-not an easy task. A couple of sources for employees in this type of situation are www.divorceandchildren.com and www.kidsinthemiddle.org.

Families with substance-abuse issues are extremely challenging. Employees should possess a compassionate yet take-charge personality and need to be acutely aware of signs that outside help is needed-all while maintaining confidentiality. More often than not, the employer may share incredibly inappropriate information, require very inappropriate tasks, or the employee may have to explain why Daddy is "too sick to play." One nanny told me that the most difficult part of being employed with this type of family was that she felt as though she was holding the family together-doing the major tasks to keep the house running and nannying the parent-and that this enabled the parent to fall apart even more. The employee needs to know when he or she has stepped over the line and is taking care of the adult more than the child, and also when to say "enough." Two resources suggested for this situation are www.nacoa.net and www.helpguide.org.

Candidates working for employers who have lost a member of their family should educate themselves on the five stages of grief. That knowledge will greatly assist them while helping the family through the denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. He or she needs to understand that there is a strong chance that the surviving family members may perceive him or her as the "replacement" to the lost parent or sibling, and this comes with both a positive and negative connotation. There are, thankfully, many excellent resources available for families going through trauma related to parental death, such as www.beyondindigo.com and www.rainbows.org. The information found on these sites will be helpful for the employee, also. To succeed in a position such as this, the candidate's qualities will include strength, dedication, and consistency. Such qualities will be beneficial not only to the child/children, but also to the parent(s).
If one is a candidate for a job that includes any one of the "3 D's," be aware that it will be incredibly demanding, yet very personally rewarding. The specifics of the situation should be carefully examined; a candidate should weigh the pros and cons of the position prior to accepting the job. A family in either of these crises needs a high level of stability, and one should take note of the additional responsibilities that will come with the job.